So now I turned to reconstruction. I have to say that I debated with myself quite a bit before deciding to go forward. The prosthetic breasts are very hot and heavy and the bras they go in were very uncomfortable. I felt very self-conscious if I went without it. I know I was just being paranoid, but it felt like people were staring. I wouldn’t blame them. I would probably do the same thing if I ran into someone with my history.

Well that was one reason. But perhaps the most important reason was looking in the mirror every day. I looked down and there was nothing there except the reminder that I had cancer. It was really depressing every day. It affected my interaction with Scott too.
[WARNING TO MY MALE RELATIVES: you might not want to read the next couple of sentences.] I didn’t feel sexy or attractive. He didn’t want to see the surgical site so that didn’t help. I just wanted things to be back the way they were before the Big C hit.

I thought all of those reasons were enough. Hmm looking back, I’m not sure.

On I went on my search for the right plastic surgeon. You already heard about my adventures with the first one. He was out. I interviewed 2 more and then found Rebecca Glasser. She is patient, caring and concerned. I very much liked her, her office and her staff. Knowing I would be spending a lot of time with them, that was very important to me.

Her bad news was, she wouldn’t do the surgery until the end of July, to make sure all the infection was gone. That is hard for me. I am a do it now kind of person. I struggled through the decision and then once I made it, I wanted it now! You would think I was 3 years old.

Time passed and finally it was nearing the surgical date. About 6 weeks before, I started going to a physical therapist because I developed lymphedema. I know, I know, come on all of you know if there is a side effect, I will get it! Anyway, the surgeon removed all of my lymph nodes on the right side during the mastectomy, because so many were positive for cancer. Unfortunately, when I actively use my right arm, it swells and there is no lymph system to remove the fluid.

The therapist started me on self massage that I have to do 3-4 times a day. 
That was helping but not fixing. From there I went to wrapping. Yikes! 3 layers of gauze then ace bandages on top of that. Hot, Holy Crap! And this was 24/7. It worked to reduce the swelling, but it wasn’t long before it would swell back up again. So very frustrating and there is nothing else I can do for now. I can’t do the massage right now because of the incisions. More on that later.

So it is time for me to head to the hospital to voluntarily make myself hurt. I realized that I was crazy! Really nervous going in but I wouldn’t turn back.

The procedure is pretty complicated. On the left (non-radiated) side, she inserted a tissue expander under the muscle near the chest wall. The tissue expander has a magnet in it so the doctor can locate the port and inject saline to expand it slowly every couple of weeks.

The right side however, is much more difficult. Because of the radiation, my skin is very damaged and wouldn’t expand. Also, during the mastectomy, my pectoral muscle was removed as well. So to rebuild this, Dr. Glasser took my latissimus dorsi muscle from my front and transplanted it to my right chest. Underneath this she put a tissue expander as well. So I have an incision across my left breast. Two incisions on the right with the transplanted muscle, tissue and skin and 1 more incision on my back. Plus 5 drains and a local anesthetic pain pump.

I spent 2 days in the hospital which is always fun and went home with lots of pain meds and 4 drains. It hurt to move. Sleeping? Not comfortable in any position.

Dr. Glasser did a great job explaining to me what the procedure entailed, what I would look like and that it would take a while to feel better. What I didn’t realize was how much it would hurt! I really did not anticipate that.

If I knew then what I know now, would I have done it. Well the jury is still out on that one. Or maybe a better answer is it changes every day. In the long run, I am sure I will be happy I did it. Right now, I struggle to stumble through the day. I don’t like taking the pain meds, but at this point, can’t really get by without them. I am trying Advil today instead. We will see.

I’M BAAAACKKK!!!!

My final cancer treatment finished in November 2009. I thought everything would be fine and I could start reconstruction soon. Oh the hubris.

I got another infection. Now my skin was so damaged from the radiation they could not sew it up. They took me in under anesthesia and put a wound vac on me. OMG!! you can not imagine how much this hurts. Basically, your wound is open and the vac attaches on to keep it from getting dirty. The vacuum effect speeds healing.

Unfortunately, I had to wear this thing 24/7. The bandages were changed 3 days a week by a home health care nurse. What a pain in the neck - well not neck exactly. This went on for about 6 weeks.

I got a reprieve when we went to Las Vegas for a weekend trip. But then I had to clean out the wound myself. Not fun, but you know me. If I am challenged, I will do it. So there I am swabbing out the inside of my chest. Ick. It really does look like chicken.

Finally, the wound healed up in February and I was free.

I’M DONE!!! I’M DONE!!! I’M DONE!!!

I’M DONE!!! I’M DONE!!! I’M DONE!!!

I’M DONE!!! I’M DONE!!!


I’M DONE!!!
One for each month I have fought, struggled, cried, prayed and cursed with cancer. I can not even describe to you how I am feeling. I am sitting here boohoo bawling right now. I really wasn’t sure this day would ever come.

For the last 9 months, every day I have woken up terrified. What new torture or side effect was in store for me today. Please God, just make it go away. I got so very tired of being strong. I have so appreciated whenever anyone has said, Oh Cyndy you are so strong, you can do this. Inside I was saying, ha I guess I have you fooled. I was scared I wouldn’t live to see fall...

My sister said now I can start getting back to who I was. I am not sure I remember her and I am sure I will never be her again. For better or worse, cancer has changed me and not just physically.

My prayer for all of you is that you never have to walk this path. It is harder than I can tell you. I started out so stupid about it all. No one is there holding your hand and guiding you on the right path. If you are lucky enough to ask the right questions, know the right people and just plain stumble in the right direction, you can get there, but there are many potholes along the way.

Thank you God for my family, friends, neighbors and even strangers who have dragged, carried and supported me along the way! Next to my wedding day and the birth of my boys, this is the best day of my life. AMEN!

Mojo must be the sweetest dog in the whole world. With this flu, I have felt really cruddy all week. When I am lying on the bed, Mojo will jump up and put his paws on my chest, then his head on his paws. He looks up at me with his dark eyes wondering what is wrong. Why aren’t you throwing the frisbee for me? Why aren’t we running the weave poles. Little baby, I’m sorry I will make it up to you.

The new plan was to change the way the radiation is delivered so it will not be so close to the skin. Thank goodness. The doctor said it would probably not change the number of treatments needed, but she would evaluate it when we were near the end.

So there I was, slogging through last week. Not feeling great and really unhappy because my Dad had some significant health issues and was in the hospital. I was upset that I couldn’t be there to help my mother and sisters. As it turns out it probably was just as well I didn’t go there because on Friday I got the flu.

Ok, no just the flu, I got the FLU!! I had a fever of 103 and couldn’t get out of bed. Unfortunately, Scott was out of town on a boys weekend, but I was not on my own. I had Lauri and Sharon bringing me food and others calling to help. I didn’t want anyone to come over because I sure would not want anyone to get this. I still have a fever, but fortunately it is lower.

Monday, I went into the doctor’s office knowing she might order more treatments. Also knowing that because I had a fever of 101 at that point, she might not let me have my any treatments until I was better. While I do not enjoy the internal burning, by any means, there was no way she would have been able to keep me from finishing this week. Thank God she does not think I will need more treatments and I could continue that day.

I wore a mask and they threw me into that tunnel. Talk about your claustrophobia! Yikes, I don’t know how doctors can wear those things. But here I am about to write something that I never thought I would. In the words of Jean Valjean from Les Miserables:

ONE DAY MORE!!!!!

I know I haven’t blogged in a while, but I have been a little overwhelmed with this radiation. It has been more than I thought it was going to be. Everyone had told me it wasn’t going to be too bad. Well they were wrong.

It took a while for my skin to degrade, but when it did, it went like crazy. The area right under my neck was open, weeping, red, basically disgusting. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt every time I moved. Finally, the doctor gave me a day off from the radiation to let my skin heal. Then she decided to move the radiation to just the surgical site.

The radiation seems to continue to perk even after the treatment ends. The site was hot and blistered and getting worse. I went through 4 different creams, 2 of which are prescription.

Finally the area near my neck started to heal, but the surgical site area has gotten worse. I am treating it with hydrogen peroxide and silver sulfadine cream. I was hoping this would help dry and heal.

Anyway, I was still going to radiation every day and slowly but surely counting down the days to only 8 left. Last Tuesday I went at the regular time, but the technician wanted the doctor to see me, because of the condition of my skin. My regular doctor was on vacation so I saw a replacement. He was very concerned and stopped treatment for the rest of the week. I can’t tell you how relieved I was by that. It was really hurting and uncomfortable, not to mention how tired I was. The only down side was this keeps putting the end further and further away.

So last week I had a chance to heal and rest. This was particularly nice because I had a big weekend planned and wanted to be ready to play. I was rested but still have open raw degraded skin, that now is starting to itch.

After a great weekend, I was ready, if not excited, to go back to radiation and start the count down again. Then I got the call. The doctor, back from vacation, was looking at my chart and decided to change my treatment plan. What does that mean? I just don’t know. I guess I will find out today.

The pain is not bad at all unless I pull on the stupid drain, then I yell. It seems to be healing up well and isn’t really draining much, so hopefully when I go to the doctor this Friday they will pull the drain out.

Meanwhile, I have started radiation. It isn’t too bad. I go every day at 3:00. Once there, I take off my clothes from the waist up and put on a gown. I lay down on a metal table with my arms over my head, while the tech lines me up with the target marks they put on me, then slide into a large, round MRI looking machine for 2 minutes for a scan. I come out, have to lay there for about 6 minutes and the tech checks something and sends me back in for 7 1/2 minutes. I have to remain perfectly still throughout this entire process and that is very hard. As soon as she says hold still, my nose itches or my leg twitches or something. It is good for me to have my arms over my head for that long as it stretches all of the tight muscles across my chest. I am not allowed to have deodorant on during the procedure and there I am with my arms over my head and my nose right there at the arm pits. Smelly! Just kidding.

The machine has a constant noise like someone vacuuming and then when I roll into the machine it sounds like a train on a track going around my body. but I close my eyes and try to meditate. I read in the new Dan Brown book that it has been determined that yogis produce a healing substance when they meditate. I am no yogi, but I try to think happy thoughts. Anyway, the whole thing takes about 30 minutes or so.

On the way home, I start to feel, well not nauseous exactly, just really, really not hungry. Then a half hour or so later, I am very tired. Compared to chemo though, this is absolutely nothing. I don’t have any burns yet, but that might be coming. Apparently all of the side effects are cumulative, so I expect to become more tired and have effects on my skin. No worries though, I have fragrance free aloe lotion.

The next day, I do it all again. I have 33 treatments, so that puts me at the beginning of November to be done. I am counting down the days!