Sunday now. I’m trying to feel better but when I am sitting or standing for very long, I get very light headed, the flashing lights in front of my eyes come back and I feel like I am going to pass out. Wondering if that was because I had been laying down for a long period of time, I called my sister to get confirmation. She agreed that I should try to sit up for a while and even walk around a little if I can. I’m trying Nan, but my head is really heavy. Did someone stuff it with concrete when I wasn’t looking?
She also thought I should call the doctor, but unfortunately for me (fortunately for him) he is in Puerto Rico. Why is it when we are feeling bad we don’t want to go to the hospital or call a doctor? Is it the long wait times in a hospital? We don’t want to disturb the doctor? For me it is both I guess. I feel like I should just be able to soldier on through and not bother him with this. I knew there would be side effects to chemo and cancer and so just deal with it. So many other people seem so much worse when I see them in the chemo room. I should feel lucky and I don’t want to seem like a little wussy girl.
If I am not better tomorrow though, I think I will call. Sorry, Dr. C, I guess I am kind of wussy. Scott would probably agree with that. I have been making him jump all weekend.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Ok, I haven’t fallen off the face of a cliff. Although today I feel like that.
Chemo was on Tuesday, and although I didn’t feel great, it wasn’t too horrible. Really tired, kind of nauseous, you know I have recited them all before. Thursday night I had Scott drive me to Borders because I was down to my last book in my queue and that makes me nervous. (Also I had a coupon that was about to expire.) While I was there, I got a terrible pain just above my stomach, just below my ribs. We left with me just buying 1 book!! Any of you that know me will know that would be a miracle.
On Friday, Nick drove me to Chamblin Book Mine. Most unbelievable used book store on the face of the planet, well at least the face of Jacksonville, if you haven’t been go. You truly have to know what you are looking for, otherwise you will be lost, but it is great for research books for kids projects; older, classic books; required reading for school, or if you just want to wander around in a bunch of books. Anyway, back to my story. Andrew received a list of “suggested reading” for law school and as many of the books were older we thought we would take some of my books to sell and buy some of his for school. That part was pretty successful.
Chamblin is housed in an old store, house and warehouse, all linked together with shelf upon shelf of books. It is much like a rabbit warren and if you don’t know where you are going, you get unbelievably lost and claustrophobic. Down the aisle we go, looking for the law section, finally at the end of one part and around the corner of another we start looking through books.
I am suddenly hit hard. I had flashing lights in front of my eyes and chest pain. I really felt like I was going to pass out. I tried to muster through and help Nick look through the mountains of legal titles, but I had to leave. Leaving Nick to carry on, I made it back to the car and lay down in the seat. It was the strangest feeling then, I was having pains everywhere in my body. My legs, arms, chest, back, everything hurt. Not shooting pains, more like aching. It really scared me, because it was different from what I have felt before. I still had the flashing lights and didn’t want to pass out in the car, so I had to call Nick to come take me home.
Poor guy, I told him I felt like I might pass out, and that wouldn’t be a good thing for him, so he babbled at me all the way home to keep me awake. I really don’t remember getting from the car to the bed, I just know I did. I was in bed the rest of the day and night. Probably, I should have gone to the hospital, but I think I was pretty much out of it and couldn’t express that to anyone. Once I got in bed, I was so weak, there would have been no way I could have gotten back in the car. Did I have a heart attack? I don’t think so, but I don’t know. I was very scared though.
Today, feeling a little better I guess. Still unbelievably weak though. I can barely hold my head up. So I am in bed today. Hopefully I will be feeling better tomorrow. Sometimes it seems like there is no light at the end of this tunnel, just more tunnels, or I guess I should say, another hill.
Chemo was on Tuesday, and although I didn’t feel great, it wasn’t too horrible. Really tired, kind of nauseous, you know I have recited them all before. Thursday night I had Scott drive me to Borders because I was down to my last book in my queue and that makes me nervous. (Also I had a coupon that was about to expire.) While I was there, I got a terrible pain just above my stomach, just below my ribs. We left with me just buying 1 book!! Any of you that know me will know that would be a miracle.
On Friday, Nick drove me to Chamblin Book Mine. Most unbelievable used book store on the face of the planet, well at least the face of Jacksonville, if you haven’t been go. You truly have to know what you are looking for, otherwise you will be lost, but it is great for research books for kids projects; older, classic books; required reading for school, or if you just want to wander around in a bunch of books. Anyway, back to my story. Andrew received a list of “suggested reading” for law school and as many of the books were older we thought we would take some of my books to sell and buy some of his for school. That part was pretty successful.
Chamblin is housed in an old store, house and warehouse, all linked together with shelf upon shelf of books. It is much like a rabbit warren and if you don’t know where you are going, you get unbelievably lost and claustrophobic. Down the aisle we go, looking for the law section, finally at the end of one part and around the corner of another we start looking through books.
I am suddenly hit hard. I had flashing lights in front of my eyes and chest pain. I really felt like I was going to pass out. I tried to muster through and help Nick look through the mountains of legal titles, but I had to leave. Leaving Nick to carry on, I made it back to the car and lay down in the seat. It was the strangest feeling then, I was having pains everywhere in my body. My legs, arms, chest, back, everything hurt. Not shooting pains, more like aching. It really scared me, because it was different from what I have felt before. I still had the flashing lights and didn’t want to pass out in the car, so I had to call Nick to come take me home.
Poor guy, I told him I felt like I might pass out, and that wouldn’t be a good thing for him, so he babbled at me all the way home to keep me awake. I really don’t remember getting from the car to the bed, I just know I did. I was in bed the rest of the day and night. Probably, I should have gone to the hospital, but I think I was pretty much out of it and couldn’t express that to anyone. Once I got in bed, I was so weak, there would have been no way I could have gotten back in the car. Did I have a heart attack? I don’t think so, but I don’t know. I was very scared though.
Today, feeling a little better I guess. Still unbelievably weak though. I can barely hold my head up. So I am in bed today. Hopefully I will be feeling better tomorrow. Sometimes it seems like there is no light at the end of this tunnel, just more tunnels, or I guess I should say, another hill.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The plastic surgeon. Why does he scare me more than any of the others? He should be the one I most want to see. As he said to me, he is the one who puts me back together.
The appointment did not start well as the doctor was an hour and a half late!! The nurse said he had an emergency that he had to check on at the hospital. The mind sort of boggles at what kind of horror is a plastic surgery emergency. Fallen boobs, botox od, nose out of joint. Anyway, at least when he came in, he apologized. That’s all I care about in that situation, acknowledge that my time is also worth something.
He was terrific. He sits down and before we start with his portion he looks me in the eyes and asks how I am doing. Chemo wise, I asked? No, about everything. Well, that would have made him another hour and a half late if I went over everything, but I certainly appreciated his caring. Most other doctors really only care about their part in the process. He made me feel like he wanted to know about my entire process.
We started talking about the reconstruction process and of course I got emotional. I thought I would be a candidate for the “tram flap” procedure that reconstructs the breast at the same time as the mastectomy. It uses a flap of skin and fat and muscle from the stomach area to sculpt a new breast. The entire procedure is done in one operation.
A few negatives are associated with this type of surgery, including the possibility of the skin flap dying, later stomach hernias and difficulty in sitting up from a lying position. I thought the positive of waking up from the mastectomy with new breasts and not just a giant hole would be worth the risks.
Unfortunately, my further course of treatment, as well as my weight do not make me a candidate for this procedure. The combination of radiation and weight makes it more likely the flap would not be successful. So back to the long established method of inserting spacers.
I was pretty upset at first. But the doctor took his time to explain what happens during the procedure and it reassured me some. After the surgeon removes the right breast and the tissue from the left, the plastic surgeon inserts a small bag that has saline in it behind the chest wall. He inflates this with as much saline as he can given the amount of skin that is left. This is closed up and I proceed with radiation. Every few weeks, I return to the plastic surgeon’s office and he inserts a needle into a port in the bag and pumps more saline in it. My body then stretches to accept the larger bag, this process repeats to make the new breasts. Eventually, those will be replaced by implants. It could take almost a year for the entire process to be completed. While I wasn’t happy about this news, I had no choice and the doctor made me feel better about the entire procedure.
Here was the not fun part. (Nick, Andrew and Dad you may not want to read this part.) The plastic surgeon had to see my body to assess what procedure would be appropriate. So there I was naked from the waist up and dropping my shorts so he could pinch and assess. Yikes. He creates the pretty people and then there’s me. Not exactly one of the Orange County Housewives. He was very appropriate and never indicated that I didn’t measure up (so to speak) to the standards of his other patients. Then, I had the before pictures. Up against the wall, boobs out, all angles. Not exactly what I will use for my Christmas pictures. Who knows, maybe the after pictures though. Ho, ho, ho.
The appointment did not start well as the doctor was an hour and a half late!! The nurse said he had an emergency that he had to check on at the hospital. The mind sort of boggles at what kind of horror is a plastic surgery emergency. Fallen boobs, botox od, nose out of joint. Anyway, at least when he came in, he apologized. That’s all I care about in that situation, acknowledge that my time is also worth something.
He was terrific. He sits down and before we start with his portion he looks me in the eyes and asks how I am doing. Chemo wise, I asked? No, about everything. Well, that would have made him another hour and a half late if I went over everything, but I certainly appreciated his caring. Most other doctors really only care about their part in the process. He made me feel like he wanted to know about my entire process.
We started talking about the reconstruction process and of course I got emotional. I thought I would be a candidate for the “tram flap” procedure that reconstructs the breast at the same time as the mastectomy. It uses a flap of skin and fat and muscle from the stomach area to sculpt a new breast. The entire procedure is done in one operation.
A few negatives are associated with this type of surgery, including the possibility of the skin flap dying, later stomach hernias and difficulty in sitting up from a lying position. I thought the positive of waking up from the mastectomy with new breasts and not just a giant hole would be worth the risks.
Unfortunately, my further course of treatment, as well as my weight do not make me a candidate for this procedure. The combination of radiation and weight makes it more likely the flap would not be successful. So back to the long established method of inserting spacers.
I was pretty upset at first. But the doctor took his time to explain what happens during the procedure and it reassured me some. After the surgeon removes the right breast and the tissue from the left, the plastic surgeon inserts a small bag that has saline in it behind the chest wall. He inflates this with as much saline as he can given the amount of skin that is left. This is closed up and I proceed with radiation. Every few weeks, I return to the plastic surgeon’s office and he inserts a needle into a port in the bag and pumps more saline in it. My body then stretches to accept the larger bag, this process repeats to make the new breasts. Eventually, those will be replaced by implants. It could take almost a year for the entire process to be completed. While I wasn’t happy about this news, I had no choice and the doctor made me feel better about the entire procedure.
Here was the not fun part. (Nick, Andrew and Dad you may not want to read this part.) The plastic surgeon had to see my body to assess what procedure would be appropriate. So there I was naked from the waist up and dropping my shorts so he could pinch and assess. Yikes. He creates the pretty people and then there’s me. Not exactly one of the Orange County Housewives. He was very appropriate and never indicated that I didn’t measure up (so to speak) to the standards of his other patients. Then, I had the before pictures. Up against the wall, boobs out, all angles. Not exactly what I will use for my Christmas pictures. Who knows, maybe the after pictures though. Ho, ho, ho.
Monday, June 8, 2009
I know I have said this, but cancer sucks! I am so very tired of, well, being tired. Yesterday I slept 20 out of 24 hours. That must be a lot of fun for Scott and Nick. I guess the only thing more fun than that is when I am awake and complaining about how bad I feel.
Headaches, dizzy, constipation, diarrhea, upset stomach, body aches, ear aches, sore throats. The list goes on and on. Each day brings some new malady or the a repeat of an oldie but a goody. I bend over and I am dizzy, I do too much and I get dizzy I stand up too fast and I get dizzy.
Another problem is how addle brained I am during the beginning of the cycle. I don’t even recognize myself and that is very scary. I forget things, I don’t remember where I put things, I can’t remember names. Even this writing seems different from when I first started. I can’t concentrate as long on it and I feel like I am repeating myself. (I will say it again, cancer sucks!) Will I ever be me again? I don’t want to lose myself, I liked who I was. I sure hope this is temporary.
How much of this is just my overactive imagination and when should I mention it to my doctor? I just don’t know. It sounds sort of funny to say, hey doc I think my memory is going.
My doctor of the week visit this week is the plastic surgeon. This will be an important one. Do I qualify for the reconstruction during the original surgery? What kind of side effects does it have? It takes muscle from my stomach wall, and let’s face it, I don’t really have muscles in my stomach, so will that be a problem. Lot’s more questions. I have learned that I have to write it down or my stupid chemo head may not remember what was said. I will have plenty of paper with me for this one.
Headaches, dizzy, constipation, diarrhea, upset stomach, body aches, ear aches, sore throats. The list goes on and on. Each day brings some new malady or the a repeat of an oldie but a goody. I bend over and I am dizzy, I do too much and I get dizzy I stand up too fast and I get dizzy.
Another problem is how addle brained I am during the beginning of the cycle. I don’t even recognize myself and that is very scary. I forget things, I don’t remember where I put things, I can’t remember names. Even this writing seems different from when I first started. I can’t concentrate as long on it and I feel like I am repeating myself. (I will say it again, cancer sucks!) Will I ever be me again? I don’t want to lose myself, I liked who I was. I sure hope this is temporary.
How much of this is just my overactive imagination and when should I mention it to my doctor? I just don’t know. It sounds sort of funny to say, hey doc I think my memory is going.
My doctor of the week visit this week is the plastic surgeon. This will be an important one. Do I qualify for the reconstruction during the original surgery? What kind of side effects does it have? It takes muscle from my stomach wall, and let’s face it, I don’t really have muscles in my stomach, so will that be a problem. Lot’s more questions. I have learned that I have to write it down or my stupid chemo head may not remember what was said. I will have plenty of paper with me for this one.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The first day of Taxotere. I just don’t know if I can do 4 more rounds of this. I am trying but this is a down day.
It probably started over the weekend, taking Nick to orientation at Georgia Southern. I was pretty good during graduation, lost it a little during the toast I wrote for him an much more during the toast Scott wrote for him. (More on that in a later blog.) I was ok getting ready to go. Then the orientation session started. They played a video of all the reasons different students like Georgia Southern. At the end of that, one young man talked about his class ring and what that symbolized for him over the 4 years of his college life. It made me think of Andrew and giving him his ring and all Nick has to look forward to both good and bad away from us. In that split second, I realized how much I will miss, because he and Andrew are not the kind to call and spill their guts about what is going on in their lives. It is like pulling teeth. “What happened today” - “nothing.” “Any plans for tomorrow” - “no ma’am”. “So that big red smear all over your clothes isn’t blood? “Oh that’s nothing.” I have to watch the nightly news to make sure it isn’t anything serious. Well maybe it isn’t quite that bad, but close. Big hint Andrew and NIck. I also learned a policy from my sister-in-law Shelagh, don’t call the first week of school, let them call you. Well unless we don’t deposit money in Nick’s account, I am not sure he’ll be making any calls.
Back to Georgia Southern. They asked all the members of the class of 2013 to stand to a round of applause. Then they gave all of them key rings with miniature class rings on them. Ok, I sort of lost it.
What does this have to do with chemo. Nothing but maybe that is why I am so emotional today. Or maybe it is because I am going back into the office and hooking in to make myself sick or not. I just don’t know. I did find out the last kind of chemo I was taking is called the “red devil”. Great, glad I didn’t know that before I started taking it. But that name is sure appropriate. Well we will see what this type of chemo will bring.
Really weird. Turning your nails dark is one of the side effects of this type of chemo. To help prevent that, I had to come home and put Sally Hansen Hard As Nails on right away. Just what you want to do when you get home from chemo, give yourself a mani and pedi. But I don’t think they would appreciate it at Nail Gallery if I brought in my own polish. I already bring in my own fragrance free soaps and scrubs. So I am now Sally Hansened up. Don’t look at it if it smudged - give me a break.
It probably started over the weekend, taking Nick to orientation at Georgia Southern. I was pretty good during graduation, lost it a little during the toast I wrote for him an much more during the toast Scott wrote for him. (More on that in a later blog.) I was ok getting ready to go. Then the orientation session started. They played a video of all the reasons different students like Georgia Southern. At the end of that, one young man talked about his class ring and what that symbolized for him over the 4 years of his college life. It made me think of Andrew and giving him his ring and all Nick has to look forward to both good and bad away from us. In that split second, I realized how much I will miss, because he and Andrew are not the kind to call and spill their guts about what is going on in their lives. It is like pulling teeth. “What happened today” - “nothing.” “Any plans for tomorrow” - “no ma’am”. “So that big red smear all over your clothes isn’t blood? “Oh that’s nothing.” I have to watch the nightly news to make sure it isn’t anything serious. Well maybe it isn’t quite that bad, but close. Big hint Andrew and NIck. I also learned a policy from my sister-in-law Shelagh, don’t call the first week of school, let them call you. Well unless we don’t deposit money in Nick’s account, I am not sure he’ll be making any calls.
Back to Georgia Southern. They asked all the members of the class of 2013 to stand to a round of applause. Then they gave all of them key rings with miniature class rings on them. Ok, I sort of lost it.
What does this have to do with chemo. Nothing but maybe that is why I am so emotional today. Or maybe it is because I am going back into the office and hooking in to make myself sick or not. I just don’t know. I did find out the last kind of chemo I was taking is called the “red devil”. Great, glad I didn’t know that before I started taking it. But that name is sure appropriate. Well we will see what this type of chemo will bring.
Really weird. Turning your nails dark is one of the side effects of this type of chemo. To help prevent that, I had to come home and put Sally Hansen Hard As Nails on right away. Just what you want to do when you get home from chemo, give yourself a mani and pedi. But I don’t think they would appreciate it at Nail Gallery if I brought in my own polish. I already bring in my own fragrance free soaps and scrubs. So I am now Sally Hansened up. Don’t look at it if it smudged - give me a break.
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