I’M DONE!!! I’M DONE!!! I’M DONE!!!
I’M DONE!!! I’M DONE!!! I’M DONE!!!
I’M DONE!!! I’M DONE!!!
I’M DONE!!!
One for each month I have fought, struggled, cried, prayed and cursed with cancer. I can not even describe to you how I am feeling. I am sitting here boohoo bawling right now. I really wasn’t sure this day would ever come.
For the last 9 months, every day I have woken up terrified. What new torture or side effect was in store for me today. Please God, just make it go away. I got so very tired of being strong. I have so appreciated whenever anyone has said, Oh Cyndy you are so strong, you can do this. Inside I was saying, ha I guess I have you fooled. I was scared I wouldn’t live to see fall...
My sister said now I can start getting back to who I was. I am not sure I remember her and I am sure I will never be her again. For better or worse, cancer has changed me and not just physically.
My prayer for all of you is that you never have to walk this path. It is harder than I can tell you. I started out so stupid about it all. No one is there holding your hand and guiding you on the right path. If you are lucky enough to ask the right questions, know the right people and just plain stumble in the right direction, you can get there, but there are many potholes along the way.
Thank you God for my family, friends, neighbors and even strangers who have dragged, carried and supported me along the way! Next to my wedding day and the birth of my boys, this is the best day of my life. AMEN!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Mojo must be the sweetest dog in the whole world. With this flu, I have felt really cruddy all week. When I am lying on the bed, Mojo will jump up and put his paws on my chest, then his head on his paws. He looks up at me with his dark eyes wondering what is wrong. Why aren’t you throwing the frisbee for me? Why aren’t we running the weave poles. Little baby, I’m sorry I will make it up to you.
The new plan was to change the way the radiation is delivered so it will not be so close to the skin. Thank goodness. The doctor said it would probably not change the number of treatments needed, but she would evaluate it when we were near the end.
So there I was, slogging through last week. Not feeling great and really unhappy because my Dad had some significant health issues and was in the hospital. I was upset that I couldn’t be there to help my mother and sisters. As it turns out it probably was just as well I didn’t go there because on Friday I got the flu.
Ok, no just the flu, I got the FLU!! I had a fever of 103 and couldn’t get out of bed. Unfortunately, Scott was out of town on a boys weekend, but I was not on my own. I had Lauri and Sharon bringing me food and others calling to help. I didn’t want anyone to come over because I sure would not want anyone to get this. I still have a fever, but fortunately it is lower.
Monday, I went into the doctor’s office knowing she might order more treatments. Also knowing that because I had a fever of 101 at that point, she might not let me have my any treatments until I was better. While I do not enjoy the internal burning, by any means, there was no way she would have been able to keep me from finishing this week. Thank God she does not think I will need more treatments and I could continue that day.
I wore a mask and they threw me into that tunnel. Talk about your claustrophobia! Yikes, I don’t know how doctors can wear those things. But here I am about to write something that I never thought I would. In the words of Jean Valjean from Les Miserables:
ONE DAY MORE!!!!!
So there I was, slogging through last week. Not feeling great and really unhappy because my Dad had some significant health issues and was in the hospital. I was upset that I couldn’t be there to help my mother and sisters. As it turns out it probably was just as well I didn’t go there because on Friday I got the flu.
Ok, no just the flu, I got the FLU!! I had a fever of 103 and couldn’t get out of bed. Unfortunately, Scott was out of town on a boys weekend, but I was not on my own. I had Lauri and Sharon bringing me food and others calling to help. I didn’t want anyone to come over because I sure would not want anyone to get this. I still have a fever, but fortunately it is lower.
Monday, I went into the doctor’s office knowing she might order more treatments. Also knowing that because I had a fever of 101 at that point, she might not let me have my any treatments until I was better. While I do not enjoy the internal burning, by any means, there was no way she would have been able to keep me from finishing this week. Thank God she does not think I will need more treatments and I could continue that day.
I wore a mask and they threw me into that tunnel. Talk about your claustrophobia! Yikes, I don’t know how doctors can wear those things. But here I am about to write something that I never thought I would. In the words of Jean Valjean from Les Miserables:
ONE DAY MORE!!!!!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I know I haven’t blogged in a while, but I have been a little overwhelmed with this radiation. It has been more than I thought it was going to be. Everyone had told me it wasn’t going to be too bad. Well they were wrong.
It took a while for my skin to degrade, but when it did, it went like crazy. The area right under my neck was open, weeping, red, basically disgusting. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt every time I moved. Finally, the doctor gave me a day off from the radiation to let my skin heal. Then she decided to move the radiation to just the surgical site.
The radiation seems to continue to perk even after the treatment ends. The site was hot and blistered and getting worse. I went through 4 different creams, 2 of which are prescription.
Finally the area near my neck started to heal, but the surgical site area has gotten worse. I am treating it with hydrogen peroxide and silver sulfadine cream. I was hoping this would help dry and heal.
Anyway, I was still going to radiation every day and slowly but surely counting down the days to only 8 left. Last Tuesday I went at the regular time, but the technician wanted the doctor to see me, because of the condition of my skin. My regular doctor was on vacation so I saw a replacement. He was very concerned and stopped treatment for the rest of the week. I can’t tell you how relieved I was by that. It was really hurting and uncomfortable, not to mention how tired I was. The only down side was this keeps putting the end further and further away.
So last week I had a chance to heal and rest. This was particularly nice because I had a big weekend planned and wanted to be ready to play. I was rested but still have open raw degraded skin, that now is starting to itch.
After a great weekend, I was ready, if not excited, to go back to radiation and start the count down again. Then I got the call. The doctor, back from vacation, was looking at my chart and decided to change my treatment plan. What does that mean? I just don’t know. I guess I will find out today.
It took a while for my skin to degrade, but when it did, it went like crazy. The area right under my neck was open, weeping, red, basically disgusting. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt every time I moved. Finally, the doctor gave me a day off from the radiation to let my skin heal. Then she decided to move the radiation to just the surgical site.
The radiation seems to continue to perk even after the treatment ends. The site was hot and blistered and getting worse. I went through 4 different creams, 2 of which are prescription.
Finally the area near my neck started to heal, but the surgical site area has gotten worse. I am treating it with hydrogen peroxide and silver sulfadine cream. I was hoping this would help dry and heal.
Anyway, I was still going to radiation every day and slowly but surely counting down the days to only 8 left. Last Tuesday I went at the regular time, but the technician wanted the doctor to see me, because of the condition of my skin. My regular doctor was on vacation so I saw a replacement. He was very concerned and stopped treatment for the rest of the week. I can’t tell you how relieved I was by that. It was really hurting and uncomfortable, not to mention how tired I was. The only down side was this keeps putting the end further and further away.
So last week I had a chance to heal and rest. This was particularly nice because I had a big weekend planned and wanted to be ready to play. I was rested but still have open raw degraded skin, that now is starting to itch.
After a great weekend, I was ready, if not excited, to go back to radiation and start the count down again. Then I got the call. The doctor, back from vacation, was looking at my chart and decided to change my treatment plan. What does that mean? I just don’t know. I guess I will find out today.
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