Ok, another trip to the plastic surgeon and another disappointment. I sort of new what to expect after I spoke with my radiation oncologist and went on line. Apparently I am not having just run of the mill, pin-point radiation. Because of the positive lymph nodes, my radiation will extend beyond just the breast, under the arm, into the chest wall and lungs. I can’t do anything halfway - give me the biggest, baddest, best. Anyway, this will cause some extensive tissue scarring. Anything implanted would be subject to rejection from my body.

So, I am hearing all of this. My doctor goes on about how he could not do reconstruction at the time of the surgery. Of course I am crying. I know it isn’t the fault of the doctor. He is just telling me the results, he didn’t create the facts. Thank goodness Scott was with me. He could listen more dispassionately and try to reason with me. Was I listening? No, probably not, it was all about how I felt.

Breast cancer surgery is really the only surgery that leaves a result that you can see. All other cancers (other than bone) require internal surgery, not this. Breast cancer takes the most visible form there is for a woman. And I don’t even really care how it looks to other people. But every minute of every day after my surgery, I will be reminded that I have no breasts and have cancer. With reconstruction, even though they are fake, at least I could forget for a while. Now, it will take months before I can start that mental healing.

So the new plan is to wait until after radiation and then attempt reconstruction. Radiation starts after the wounds have healed, so maybe 3-4 weeks after surgery and lasts 6-7 weeks, 5 days a week. Fortunately, the treatment itself doesn’t last very long and it is close to the house.

We know I am a planner. Once this all hit me and I realized that I wasn’t going to have re-made boobs, I needed information. Where do I get fake boobs? What do I wear after surgery? How long will it be before I start to look normal? Surprisingly to me, the doctor did not know where I could find fake ones. I told him he, or his people, should know who to call. He did suggest I needed a support group though. I guess I really came off as a crazy. Seriously, after thinking about it, I do think it is a good idea.

So my next step was finding a good prosthetic and a support group. I looked in the Yellow Pages, but those were all orthopedic. On-line I went, because my lovely friend Sue had told me about the wonderful things the American Cancer Society can do, I figured they would be the answer and sure enough, Sue was right. The web site referred me to the Jacksonville Women’s Center for a support group and I figured if they have a support group they would know who to call for the prosthetics. Brilliant, eh? Again, success. A lovely woman answered the phone and was very helpful.

Never one to let grass grow under my feet, I called the pharmacy recommended by the Women’s Center. I figured my luck would be they would have to order whatever I needed and it would take 3 months or something. This little place is over by Memorial Hospital and carries a variety of hospital needs. Back in a private room, a great woman helped me with everything I will need after surgery and through radiation. She did order them, so we will see how long it takes.

I know I am making light of these things, but it really was not easy. I just know it is something I have to do. I have no choice. But for the first time, I am questioning why is all of this happening to me. I haven’t really done that before. Why not me? You hear so many tragic stories. It seems so unfair when cancer hits a child or a single mother. But I am not special, I can get cancer just like the next person, I know that. But lately, with so many negative turns in my fight, I did start to throw the why me question up to the Big Man. I am pretty much over that kind of self-pity. I still wish he could take this away from me and I could have my life back. That will happen, just not the way I wanted it too.

Amidst this, the surgeon’s office called to give me the surgery date. Last week, I begged them to set the date even without the input of the plastic surgeon, but they wouldn’t. It will be no problem they said. We are only booking August 1 right now. August 17 or 18 will be just fine, don’t worry about it. They call and have set the surgery for August 21. Well, they messed with the wrong person on the wrong day. I strongly reminded them of the promise for the beginning of that week, that it was already 2 weeks after when my oncologist and the surgeon wanted to take me. They were somewhat taken aback that I would question the scheduling and tried to make excuses about other cases blah, blah, blah. I told them they were now putting my health at risk (certainly an exaggeration, but I was tired of people screwing around with me). The scheduler said she would see what she could do. An hour later, she called back with a new date. Surgery is August 17 at 10:00 a.m. Ah the sweet smell of success. A little control back in my life.